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Karina (and Others Like Her)
Submitted by fyl on Fri, 2009/03/06 - 21:46.
I was thinking about Karina (who you can find in Backup Bride or, more recently with her first kid and her niece today. She lived across the street when I moved here. She was the smart 14 year old living in a bad situation. The most important part of bad situation was that her mother had moved to the U.S. with the intent of improving the life of her kids by sending them money.
Those kids consist of a married older sister and a younger delinquent um, I mean, brother. They were all living, with lots of other people, in mom's house. Karina at 14 reminded me of myself at 14. Smart but non-conformist. I just roughed it out until I was a 21-year old college graduate and then went on to try to find a life. She, at 15, ran away, got pregnant, got pregnant again, ... While she lives with the father of her kids (he's Nicaraguan—no Gringos involved in her departure from the straight and narrow), they are living in an all too typical "can't make ends meet" situation. I asked her if she would like to go back to being a 15 year old without her current burdens and she said yes.
Let's add one more person to the mix, Aracely. (That was the first photo of her and some initial bad data. She was 18 or 19 in that photo. The age story had to do with her parents not registering her birth for a few years and, when they did, getting the current year instead of when she was actually born on her birth certificate.)
Anyway, while not family with Karina, she lived (and still lives) in the same house. The update is that she is now pregnant. A Nicaraguan again but he has no intention of taking any responsibility. So, from one house across the street from me, we have two young Nicaraguan women that have to deal with their kids that they cannot afford. And, unfortunately, this seems to be the norm.
Why am I writing this? I guess because they are friends and I don't know what to do. I could, of course, give them money and, at times, I have. But, that is not a solution. If anything, it seems like a bad thing to do—it seems like something that just encourages people to not take responsibility. This problem is clearly not unique to Nicaragua. It's an ongoing problem in much of the world and these two people are examples of how it didn't take the "help" of a Gringo to create a life-changing problem for them.
help them or denigrate them ?
That sad history isn't only in Nicaragua , in the US es bigger thant that, the difference is that the welfare system, provide them with all the necessities, and not only to this women , but a lot of people also. If you want to help them , so don't give money to them because unfortunately you're not welfare , but if really you like help, first at all , don't public her misery , and try to get her involved in some job or yopu can try to put some busissnes and give her a job. And if nothing work live it alone.
Machismo and ???
I can tell you a whole slew of similar stories from amongst Roney's friends and family in Jinotepe. First there's Jose. Jose has 5 kids with 4 long-term girlfriends in Jinotepe, none of whom he's married, plus he "gets around" and has many other women on the side. One of these long-term novias is his current favorite, and he's basically living with her. Jose makes good money in Costa Rica driving a bus (he claims $1000/mo, but he usually stretches the truth), but he hasn't been back to Costa Rica in over 6 months, though he keeps saying he's leaving next week. He drives a taxi in Jinotepe, but seems to spend all that money on booze and autohotel rooms (though sometimes the women pay!). The novias all know about each other and hate each other - typically when they see each other on the street they fight. But one of the novias, 16-17 year-old Ana with Jose's youngest child, had been "tossed to the curb", and used to stop Roney in the street all the time in December and January, imploring him to make Jose give her money, because she couldn't afford food or clothes for the kid. But last week, Jose slept with her, and now she's happy as a clam and doesn't care - says that she doesn't want any money, doesn't care if the kid has no shoes, she just wants Jose to sleep with her.
Same story with Wilmur. He has a wife with 2 kids, plus at least 2 other long-term novias each with a kid or two. He makes good money working for the FSLN and gives money to the wife, but basically lives with one of the novias across town. The wife fights with him all the time, but not because she wants more money. She's actually thrown the money back in his face. Instead, she wants him to sleep with her, and whenever he does spend the night, the next day she's just as happy as she can be.
I get the men's actions. The machismo culture both permits and encourages men to sleep around, and why the heck not? They're rarely held responsible financially, let alone in providing childcare. But why do the women put up with this? Why do women sleep with these men knowing they already have many other mujeres and kids whom they're not supporting, especially without using contraception? Sure, pills are expensive in Nicaragua (almost the same price as in the States!), and I wish the government would make them more accessible to poor women, but they're still way cheaper than a kid! I'm sorry to shatter your egos men, but there's no man that good - and there's plenty of other men out there ready and willing, especially in Nicaragua. These men are not very loving to or interested in either their mujeres or the kids. What on earth are the women getting out of this?
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"Life is what happens while we're busy making other plans." - Pablo Neruda / John Lennon
Sex happens
Nica women have healthy libidos too. And there sex drive seems less inhibited by social mores than in many Latin American countries. I attribute that to poverty. (The Catholic Church figures in, but the church’s blessing is a constant throughout this world.)
Being poor gets boring. Sex is the best & cheapest (short-term) entertainment yet invented. Moreover, the easiest way for the poor to create wealth is to have babies. To the homestead mentality kids that will eventually help work the land and care for old folks are better than money in the bank. Nevermind how they’ll get fed: God will provide. The basic source of Latino strength is the family, not the individual.
And yes, it seems poor Nica men don’t stick around. Support falls on the girl’s family. What does the poor girl get? An awakening, the struggle of her life, AND a beautiful, beloved baby. I’ve never seen a Nica woman – anywhere, even passing on the street – that didn’t love, cuddle, care for – ready to give her life for – her baby.
I’ve known poor young hillbillies in the States that joined the Navy to duck out on a pregnant girlfriend. And I’ve seen the law collar them. What are the patrimony laws in Nicaragua? Do they matter in the face of such a common custom among the poor?
I often chat with a friend who sells bags of water on the street in Leon for a living. He has six kids by three women, none of whom he married. Nor does he help support the kids, he tells me matter of factly. All live nearby; he lives with his mother. The kids visit on occasion, cause his mother warmly welcomes the chance to spoil her grandchildren. There’s not a second’s thought that what he is doing may be morally wrong. It’s not.
Nor that he’s not acting ‘responsibly’ – the word lacks cultural context. We must take care not to judge on what we believe to be universal precepts. Is it among the UN’s universal human rights, along with shelter & food . . . to have a daddy?
Expensive
The men you describe are remarkably common all over Central America. I am not sure though, that the expense of contraception plays much role in the whole series of events and behaviors. Here in Honduras the same actions and consequences are repeated every minute of every hour of every day of every ... -- and some forms of birth control are free and always readily available here. The more you learn regarding any one person (as you describe - not some statistic, but a real person living down the street, or related to some friend, or an employee over at -whatever), the more obvious it is that making bad decisions is not something most such people do exclusively per their "love lives". If you ever listen to what so many women (it isn't a sexist thing, I don't think; it is no different with men, at least regarding beliefs per "going to the U.S." and making $25 an hour, or whatever) say in defense of their past decisions or their current state of affairs, it is more suited to a caricature or bad movie than a real life. There is a certain unrealism or preposterousness or fantastic view of everyday happenings and human behavior, and their own chances at some less than likely ending.
It happens all over the world.
I reference a study done on the demographics on unwed mothers in the USA at http://www.nicaliving.com/node/14182 To learn more, follow those who have no money: the meek, the humble, those predicted to inherit the Earth.
Yes, but...
Yes, to some extent it does happen all over the world (though that doesn't mean the unwed birth rates, or any associated factors, in Libya, Leon, and Las Vegas are comparable, etc.). It is the "some" in some extent that matters. The fact that it does happen doesn't mean the motives, expectations, costs, preventative options, solutions, and outside contributions are comparable in differing locales. In other words, it is all the other factors that really matter, not the fact of a pregnancy.